My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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