Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
