He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
