I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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