i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
