Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
