the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
