Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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