last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
