The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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