i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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