The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
