...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
