i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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