yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
