you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
My ass is underappreciated
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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