My girlfriend figured out who you are.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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