i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
