So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
