Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I could fuck to npr.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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