I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
