If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
You took a bar mat shot.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
