You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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