You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
