she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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