Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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