Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
