if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
