The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Pants are for mortals
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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