my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
