The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize