Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize