garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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