booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I am midnight drunk by noon
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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