I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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