I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
My vagina is very pro this idea
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
