You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
