4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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