your thong is hanging out like whoa
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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