I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
