well I can't set my house on fire every night
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
