a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
