Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
