his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
My bed is full of blood and feathers
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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