I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
