I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize