god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
