He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I have fence marks all over my body
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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