The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
