So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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