I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
