You're my little dorito
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
