Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
The power of my boobs compel you
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
