I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
