those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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