is your mom at the bar?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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